1.11 The Smooshing Pumpkin
Hey, everybody. It's your GM, Isaac Allen Burns, here on a not so great mic editing this podcast. Just wanted to let y'all know that the DodoBorne crew is going to Gen-Con this year, 2025, end of July, into August. We'll be there. I'll be running a couple tables, and if you come to those, you might be able to play with either Joe, Rowan, or Annie, and even myself.
Isaac Allen Burns:So keep a lookout for that. See you at Gen Con. Okay. On with the episode.
Rowan Collins:Squawk. Squawk.
Isaac Allen Burns:Squawk. Hey. It's podcast. It's me again. Hey.
Isaac Allen Burns:Nice to meet you. It's your GM, your best friend, and your needs to work on his communication employee, Isaac Allen Burns. That's right. It's me again. Nice to meet you.
Isaac Allen Burns:We're here for another episode of DodoBorne, an actual play Daggerheart podcast. But I'm not alone here in the booth much like I am at my desk eight hours a day because I'm here with Roland Collins. Say hi, Roland Collins.
Rowan Collins:Squawk.
Isaac Allen Burns:Also known as Pistachio. I'll get a cadence eventually for this. Just, like, bear with me a second.
Rowan Collins:Okay. Squawk.
Isaac Allen Burns:There we go. And then next to Rowan in the high chair, we've got Joe Diametti. Sorry, Isaac. Did you part
Joe Diametti:of by chance have a work review today?
Isaac Allen Burns:I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know. All I know is that I am, you know, exceeding expectations in my technical prowess and almost below expectations in my communication, apparently.
Joe Diametti:That's a DM.
Isaac Allen Burns:Also also, I need to be more detail oriented is I'm pretty sure one of them. But I feel anyways, so that's that's Joe playing Kapi. And to my right, who exceeds all expectations is Annie Hawthorne playing crank.
Annie Hawthorne:Squawk, I had a very normal day.
Isaac Allen Burns:Nice. And it's me, your GM, Isaac Allen Burns, who probably won't be getting a very good bonus this year. Anyways, perhaps I just came from something that was a kid to an employer review, but that's not who I am anymore. Right now, I am your GM, Isaac Allen Burns, here to talk to you about an adventure that our friends are having. Now we left off at a pretty tense moment, and I just wanna bring us back to what happened last week.
Isaac Allen Burns:If you recall, our heroes had just gotten done having a lengthy conversation with an interesting individual, one Percival Anachronisms, a known self proclaimed caretaker of the Sages Grove. After this conversation, they went back to town and did a little more investigating. They had some conversations with certain individuals, including mister rich apple people himself, Scarlet's father.
Rowan Collins:Rich bastard.
Isaac Allen Burns:Almost got decked in the face by one crank the clank, but stopping him just in time was another friend of ours, Timothee Toulouse, who brought them home to dinner and gave them some devastating news that he and his daughter Alana would be leaving Bracken Road after the Apple Festival. After a bit of a teary discussion, they talked to Craig and said, maybe they won't. They'll wait and see till afterwards. But that's not all that we discovered. We also discovered a bit information about the town itself.
Isaac Allen Burns:At the Sages Grove was apparently a relic called the verdant staff, which was a relic that held some of the god sages power. The last time it had ever been seen was nearly three hundred years ago in an old picture of Scarlet's ancestor, the then mayor of the town. Following this lead led them to the town hall where mayor Raisins is. Meeting mayor Raisins, a couple of our party went up to his office to discuss a couple things revolving the Apple Festival. In fact, it seemed as though the mayor was wanting to talk to them in the first place.
Isaac Allen Burns:Not to be fooled though, Pistachio slipped away from our party and wound up finding a secret room in the town hall that led down down into a dark stairway. The scent of the verdant staff that Pistachio picked up at the grove lingered in the air. Important note, it is after ten p As we see upstairs in the office that Kapi and the mayor are currently shaking hands, Pistachio is going down a long, dark staircase. The walls are of a unworked stone. Looks like this place was sort of dug into the ground.
Isaac Allen Burns:And after you go down for maybe thirty minutes of stairs, your poor dodo knee is aching. You wind up you wind up in a large cavern. You look out at this underground cavern. The walls are like a loose soil. You see roots hang from the ceiling like a popcorn ceiling, but like a lot worse and a lot longer.
Isaac Allen Burns:At this very center of this cavern, you see a pillar of soil that seems to rise up about halfway the height of the cavern, almost like a pillar. You see that there is a glowing green staff that stands upright at its terminus. You see that almost like wisps of magic flow upwards from the staff into the ceiling above. It seems to spread out across the entire cavern ceiling. And pistachio, you see this and your eyes go down to the staff once more and you notice there is this old fawn laying at the base of the staff.
Isaac Allen Burns:See, there are heavy chains that bind its arms and legs to that pillar that the staff stands on. The place feels nice, like a warm like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day, but it reeks. It reeks of decay. It reeks of waste. It smells terrible in here.
Isaac Allen Burns:But pistachio, that is what you see. You feel on your skin. If a dodo could have goose flesh, call it dodo flesh, call it dodo bumps, you would have that.
Rowan Collins:Almost like like every single feather is standing on end, which I think Pistachio was already their eyes have basically been dilated all the way up as, like, way more than it would be in the dark because it's past 10PM, Pistachio, and then they're a little manic. And they had been, like, trying to make the walk a little bit different. And now, like, seeing this, they're just kinda, like they peek, like, around with their little dodo head, just kinda sussing it out. Like, does this thing look like this like, does this fawn look alive?
Isaac Allen Burns:From your distance that you are at right now, you really can't tell. You think that in order to get a good look at it, you'd have to get a little closer.
Rowan Collins:They're going to almost do, like, a shuffle forward, almost like a little dodo dance. They're gonna, like, go sideways and then hop over and then go sideways again to the left and then hop over and just kinda get closer until they can see whether or not this little this fawn is breathing.
Isaac Allen Burns:Are you trying to do so without being heard or seen?
Rowan Collins:Yes. I will say that. So this is agile scout. And so I'm trying to my movement is silent. So I'm gonna spend hope to get anywhere.
Rowan Collins:I'm assuming this is within far range of us. So I'm gonna spend a hope to get this without needing the rule of my agile sneakiness.
Isaac Allen Burns:Incredible. Yes. Pistachio as a dodo is stealthy and unheard as you creep forward. Spend that hope. You creep forward.
Isaac Allen Burns:The closer and closer you get pistachio, you get probably within 15 feet of this pillar, and the energy coming off of this thing is powerful. It, the fawn at the base though kinda has his body wrapped around, kind of in the fetal position holding it. Skin and bones, this fawn is. And you can hear some raspy breathing coming from it.
Rowan Collins:Alright, little dodo. We got this. Alright. Best impression. Let's go.
Rowan Collins:Alright. Hello. Let me see it. Oh, gosh. Oh, hi.
Rowan Collins:Oh, hello.
Isaac Allen Burns:This terrifying looking fawn jolt up, whipping his head around to look at you faster than you would expect a skeletal fawn to look at you. It whips its head around. Its eyes are sunken into the sockets incredibly deep. Any teeth that he had have long since rotted and now just black pussy gums remain. Ew.
Isaac Allen Burns:His nose is caked in scabs when a raspy voice says,
Isaac Allen Burns:oh, it's there. Who's there? Oh. Good
Rowan Collins:morning. Good sir. My name is doctor Dono. I am here to make sure you get healed a little bit. And also, cool staff, why are you here chained up to the ground and also look a little worse for wear?
Rowan Collins:Do you need healing?
Isaac Allen Burns:So not to make you do too many roles, but I am gonna have you make a presence role to see if Pistachio is coming across as someone who is here to help or something worse.
Annie Hawthorne:I just wanna go ahead
Rowan Collins:and let the let the people listening know that I have a minus one for presence. That's a 13 with fear.
Isaac Allen Burns:A 13 with fear. So Oh, no. As you say this, this man looks at you. The DC in my brain that I had set for coming across as a cool person Mhmm. Was a 12.
Isaac Allen Burns:So you did beat that very loudly. His voice kinda echoes through the cave. The fear is that he's gonna talk really loud. Okay. You're the
Isaac Allen Burns:beast I've seen before. Are you here to replace me? Did they discover how to replace me?
Rowan Collins:You're very loud, sir. I understand you probably haven't seen a real thing in a, like how long do to two weeks? Probably not, like, in
Isaac Allen Burns:Have you come to give me my replacement or not?
Isaac Allen Burns:He yells into the mic.
Rowan Collins:Oh, gosh.
Isaac Allen Burns:Sorry. He yells just in general.
Joe Diametti:Shit. What
Rowan Collins:do you mean by your replacement?
Isaac Allen Burns:Protect the town. I stay here as long as one of us is here. This town always will be prosperous and safe.
Rowan Collins:Alright. Okay. So the staff keeps us prosperous and safe? Yes. Okay.
Isaac Allen Burns:I give myself for the town.
Rowan Collins:Pistachio, like, low like, squids their little dodo eyes, which I assume are not super great because it's dark and it's their dodo. But does this person look like like Scarlet's great grandfather, like, in any way?
Isaac Allen Burns:Because you have asked very specifically this question, no role necessary. Through the pockmarks on his face and the sagged skin, you can barely, just barely make out that this certainly is Augustus Apple people. And the staff that you see him curled around is the same staff that you saw in that picture from Crank.
Rowan Collins:Alright. Okay. So this is what I'm gonna do. Alright. I feel like if I get you out of here, people are going to freak out.
Rowan Collins:And I'm supposed to come and get that staff, but you say the staff is the thing that's keeping us productive here. I feel like this is above my pay grade. I feel like I gotta go talk to my boss about this. What? I feel like I gotta go talk to my boss about this.
Isaac Allen Burns:My replacement.
Rowan Collins:You're sobose about my at least help you. Do you wanna feel better? Do you want some apples?
Isaac Allen Burns:Just here to steal the staff, aren't you? No. You're here to ruin the town.
Rowan Collins:I'm not here to steal anything.
Isaac Allen Burns:You start screaming, wailing at the top
Rowan Collins:of his lungs. Fart nuggets.
Isaac Allen Burns:We cut back in time a little bit. We go back to the office, and you see that opening the door is one mayor Raisins who is looking at Kapi and Crank, having just shaken their hand and says, yes. I believe this will be a very good deal for both of us. You get your recommendation. I get the security of my town.
Isaac Allen Burns:Nobody freak out about people coming through and, you know, with weapons and with outsiders. You know? We're gonna have so many people here at the play. We're gonna have we're gonna have the senator.
Joe Diametti:We're gonna have Yes, sir. We have ourselves. Don't you worry about a thing. Yes. Yes.
Isaac Allen Burns:Right. Yes. I worry all the time. My doctor say it bad for me. And by the doctor, mean the priest.
Isaac Allen Burns:He tell me it bad
Joe Diametti:for me. Hey. Hey. Yes. You should relax.
Joe Diametti:It's it is late at night. It is past 10PM.
Isaac Allen Burns:I I should be more like midnight. I should meditate on the day.
Joe Diametti:You should get some sleep. The Apple Festival is only.
Isaac Allen Burns:The It's two days away.
Joe Diametti:Two days away.
Isaac Allen Burns:It's only two days. We have tomorrow to prepare, and then we have tomorrow to make it shine.
Joe Diametti:And, hey. Yes. To make it shine. Hey. You get some rest.
Joe Diametti:I'm gonna need you Sprite and ready to write our recommendations. Okay?
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, it will be Sprite
Isaac Allen Burns:and springing, my friend. Alright.
Joe Diametti:Okay. Yeah. You know? Okay. Alright.
Joe Diametti:And I I I just I I bring crank.
Isaac Allen Burns:Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Isaac Allen Burns:Wait. Stop. Stop. Nobody move. Did you just hear that?
Isaac Allen Burns:Did you hear something?
Joe Diametti:I didn't hear.
Annie Hawthorne:Is there a base nearby or something like a decoration on pedestal somewhere?
Isaac Allen Burns:You look over, and I believe I described the center. There's, like, a little table at the very center of the foyer with, like, some with, like, a vase. You do see that?
Annie Hawthorne:I purposefully trip into it and knock it over. Oh, sorry. That was my fault.
Isaac Allen Burns:Alright. I'm gonna let you decide if that's gonna be agility or presence. Agility or presence to make it look like you didn't do that on purpose.
Rowan Collins:It's gotta be it's gotta
Joe Diametti:be present. Which one are doing?
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. It's a show. Yeah. You're trying to put on a show.
Annie Hawthorne:That's the funnier option for sure. It's a minus one in presents.
Joe Diametti:You go ahead. Presents present. For me. Yes. I thought the Annie, you have the chance to do the funniest thing.
Isaac Allen Burns:But as you roll
Annie Hawthorne:It's a 12 with hope.
Isaac Allen Burns:Unfortunately, he rolled higher than a 12. So as you walk over, describe how you don't make it look like this was on purpose.
Annie Hawthorne:So I imagine it's kind of out of my way. So I, like, take, like, two side steps, and then I just, like, fall over with my elbow. And it it knocks over and clatters to the ground. Oh, I'm so clumsy.
Isaac Allen Burns:You pile draft
Joe Diametti:the vase. What
Rowan Collins:the? What? What?
Annie Hawthorne:I'm so clumsy. That was an accident.
Isaac Allen Burns:That vase that vase was sold to my father. He buys that from a
Isaac Allen Burns:far off land. You break my vase.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, no. The years the years that go by, look at the vase. I think of my father who is long gone. He's all dead, and now I have nothing.
Joe Diametti:Oh, this is a terrible day for me.
Rowan Collins:Why? This
Joe Diametti:is our mare mare raisins. Mare raisins.
Isaac Allen Burns:Why could
Rowan Collins:you lose it?
Joe Diametti:I will I will take care of this, sir. Just, you know, I I hope this wouldn't affect the future security of the Apple Festival. Right? That's very important. And we wanna make sure that that doesn't affect our
Isaac Allen Burns:recommendations. You see that he looks at you and says, if I could cry, I would. But my people cannot. That is canon. Dracona cannot cry.
Isaac Allen Burns:I'm feeling so I don't suffer
Joe Diametti:from society tell you that you can't cry.
Isaac Allen Burns:You're right. All I could do is lactate.
Annie Hawthorne:I can't cry or don't feel bad.
Joe Diametti:Lactate. Lactate. Lactate into me. Come here.
Annie Hawthorne:If crank had muscles in in his face, he would be horrified.
Joe Diametti:Society tells you Heavy. That you can't lactate as a grown Dracona, and I tell you that you can. Come here.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, you'll make me feel better. This is so many emotions. You feel warmth on your chest.
Annie Hawthorne:I'm backing slowly down the stairs.
Joe Diametti:I make sure that my jacket is kinda, like, off my shoulders so that it's not getting on the chest.
Isaac Allen Burns:It doesn't get on the jacket.
Annie Hawthorne:This is such a beautiful moment. I I really need to go, and I turn and I start stomping down the stairs as loud as I can.
Joe Diametti:Why don't we, you and I, just go for a walk? I think Okay. Fresh air will do us good.
Isaac Allen Burns:Take me for a walk.
Joe Diametti:Yes. Come on.
Isaac Allen Burns:He puts his shoulder on you.
Joe Diametti:Yeah. I put my shoulder around him or
Isaac Allen Burns:You start walking down the stairs. He's like, it's so much pressure means the mayors and small setbacks make me have big emotions.
Joe Diametti:I know. I know.
Isaac Allen Burns:I'm under so much pressure. You understand, Gabby?
Joe Diametti:I do.
Isaac Allen Burns:Is there going to be a senator? I have to look good. The Apple people want my head all the time, but this would prove that I am good enough to be here.
Joe Diametti:Hey. I've always thought you were good enough to be here.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, you make me cry.
Isaac Allen Burns:You make me cry.
Joe Diametti:I I walk him out the door.
Isaac Allen Burns:You walk out the door, crank. You're stomping towards the back, and you see, like, an office. And you see that, oddly enough, one of the bookshelves is, like, not flush against the wall. And that's kinda silly. You look at it longer and realize there's a passageway back there.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh my goodness.
Rowan Collins:I'm glad, sir.
Isaac Allen Burns:I hang on. I gotta get out of the mare. Hang
Rowan Collins:on. So,
Isaac Allen Burns:yeah, you look at the at the the bookshelf. The bookshelf is now flushed against the wall, and there's a passage back there. And you can hear echoing screams and yells coming from. It's very loud. It's getting louder.
Isaac Allen Burns:Sounds like an argument's happening. What does Craig do?
Annie Hawthorne:I just shove the book side as bookshelf aside, and I go, Pistachio, I'm coming. And I run down the stairs.
Joe Diametti:Run downstairs. For any magic books?
Isaac Allen Burns:Craig care cares
Annie Hawthorne:about his dad. Frank would hear Pistachio screaming and absolutely run. Aw. Aw. The books can wait.
Annie Hawthorne:They'll be there when I get back.
Joe Diametti:Aw.
Rowan Collins:So you just hear, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank.
Isaac Allen Burns:Pistachio, as this guy is just kind of yelling at you frustration and anger. You see Crank come down the stairs suddenly.
Rowan Collins:Craig. Oh my gosh. Thank thank goodness. Oh my god. I had no idea how was
Annie Hawthorne:this guy hurting you? Should I kill him?
Rowan Collins:No. No. No. This is this is the Apple people's granddad. This is Scarlet's grandfather from
Annie Hawthorne:the beginning.
Rowan Collins:He is old and decrepit and hungry and guarding the staff. He's been chained here forever and apparently this is how we get all of our apples and all of our growth thing. So part of me is like, do we take the staff? Because that's what the thing asked for him. Do we take this guy?
Rowan Collins:We need to help this guy. He looks almost like he's gonna die. Oh, they snap. They snap. They go, you have food.
Rowan Collins:And they like run straight to you and like hop up as little dodo and try and open your little door and scramble to try and get
Annie Hawthorne:your stool. You have fingers. Stop.
Rowan Collins:Like, ugh. Give me
Annie Hawthorne:I open I open and I pull out those stale pastries.
Rowan Collins:Thank you. And they snatch it from you. They, like, shove the as much as they can, they shove a stale pastry in his mouth.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh my god.
Rowan Collins:To one, shut him up and two to eat, like, him eat.
Annie Hawthorne:He doesn't look very good, pistachio.
Isaac Allen Burns:It goes into his mouth, pistachio. The bread around his mouth turns gray and powdery as you realize it turns to ash, and you see that he starts coughing violently, retching from the ash that goes into his mouth and
Isaac Allen Burns:says, no. It's a torture. It's a torture. Replace me.
Rowan Collins:Wait. Okay. So you're chained here. You can't eat. You can't drink.
Rowan Collins:What if I try to heal you? Has anybody tried to heal you?
Isaac Allen Burns:I do.
Isaac Allen Burns:What is best for my town?
Rowan Collins:Look. Okay.
Isaac Allen Burns:Alright. This is my fate.
Rowan Collins:Old grand Pappy, this guy. Look, you have a fantastic fantastical family that, like, runs this town and makes beautiful apples and all of that stuff. And I
Annie Hawthorne:I wouldn't say the whole family is great.
Rowan Collins:Oh, yeah. True that one guy. Hey. Is Rich your son?
Isaac Allen Burns:Pick another presence check.
Rowan Collins:13 with fear.
Isaac Allen Burns:Just to, like, take a step back, you've so far come in
Joe Diametti:Mhmm.
Isaac Allen Burns:For a split second hearing you. This person communicated that you must be the replacement, and you are very specifically not the replacement. Mhmm. You have then shoved food in his mouth that's turned to ash, and now you're talking about his family. Mhmm.
Isaac Allen Burns:He he there are two things he wants, and you're giving him neither. And so you see he kind of looks at you and at the mention of his family, his eyes squint. He sort of weakly stands, a hand sort of going up the staff, and he grips it. He says,
Isaac Allen Burns:if you're not part of my family, if you're not here to replace me, and you are here for this staff, you're trying to ruin the town.
Isaac Allen Burns:You see, holds a hand up towards you, and a wave of green energy shoots out towards you. I need an agility check from you.
Annie Hawthorne:Can I drop
Isaac Allen Burns:a drop? I'm gonna say in this case, you are still a little too far away, but you're seeing this happen. Pistachio did describe running up to this person and run running towards you. So I think Clank is Crank is a little far back in this case.
Rowan Collins:I do feel like this narratively makes sense. So that is an eight with hope.
Isaac Allen Burns:An eight with hope. Awesome. This magic hits you and 18 points of damage to you. You are flung back. And I'm gonna say because you rolled with hope, that means, you know, it's not all bad.
Isaac Allen Burns:Something good happens. So I'm gonna say you get flung back right into cranks arms.
Rowan Collins:Oh.
Isaac Allen Burns:There's a thud. Crank, you feel a pretty strong thud against your chest as pistachio whams into it. This guy starts screaming these all unintelligible screams at you, and you see that crackling energy is surrounding him.
Annie Hawthorne:Yeah. And I think watching pistachio get hurt like that, crank size just go red.
Rowan Collins:Yep.
Annie Hawthorne:And he enters this unstoppable mode.
Isaac Allen Burns:What does crank do?
Annie Hawthorne:I'm gonna turn around very slowly. I'm gonna put Pistachio behind me. And I'm gonna turn back around, and I'm just gonna march toward this
Isaac Allen Burns:guy. Okay.
Annie Hawthorne:And when I get there, I'm gonna try to hit him.
Isaac Allen Burns:So I have described we have established that he's somewhat far away Mhmm. Which is probably about, like, 50 feet away, which just goes to show how far pistachio flew. Crank, as you are moving up, it's just a little too far, but go ahead and make me an agility check to get safely into melee with this guy. This is basically you can feel magic shooting towards you. This agility check is both you sort of running up quickly to him and dodging this magic.
Annie Hawthorne:It's a 14 with hope.
Isaac Allen Burns:That's good that it passes. You are able to get up there with magic, this tempestuous magic that is surrounding this guy as you can feel this aura of anger, of hate, of built up resentment. And you are right next to him. As this magic swirls around you, what do you do, Crank?
Annie Hawthorne:I'm gonna grab his head and one of my giant gauntlets and lift him off the ground.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, and sure enough, you pick him up. He is heavy, and it's because of the chains around him. And as you touch him, it's all if you weren't made of metal, you can't imagine what this guy would feel like. But you pick him up sure enough. And what do you do?
Annie Hawthorne:Try to crush his head.
Isaac Allen Burns:It folds like a Styrofoam cup as a soft squish occurs. There is no explosion. There's no mass reaction. Everything just stops. He falls dead on the ground.
Isaac Allen Burns:The staff continues to glow, but the magic that you saw sort of smoking up towards the roof ceases.
Annie Hawthorne:I reach out and I grab the staff.
Isaac Allen Burns:You grab the staff, and there's a jolt that runs through you for a moment, and you pull it up out of the ground and you're holding it.
Annie Hawthorne:I turn around and I blink a couple times until my eyes go back to normal. I say, look, Pistachio, I have the stuff.
Rowan Collins:I think in this moment because one once the beast once I since I took damage, the beast form went out. So Pistachio fell down, like, and fell on their ass as, like, a fawn. And then they basically watched wide eyed as Crank just crushed somebody's head in. And I think for anybody, that'd be a lot. So I think Pistachio's just kinda, like, looking at Crank with, like, a mixture of, like, confusion, horror, and just, like is just kinda freaking out a little bit.
Rowan Collins:And they go, oh, that that that wow. Yeah. Yay.
Annie Hawthorne:He was hurting you.
Rowan Collins:Yeah. I I haven't seen somebody's head crushed like a rotten turnip before. It was like a pumpkin. Is my head like a pumpkin? Okay.
Rowan Collins:Very good. Let's go. Let's go, Craig. We probably we'll probably check it out of here. Sorry.
Rowan Collins:He's my stomach. Oh. Okay. As
Isaac Allen Burns:you begin to turn to leave, we cut to Kapi. You are standing out kind of in the main road. You see the mayor has sort of unbuttoned his shirt, and now he's just sort of, like, bare chested now. His chest is really wet, and he's just, like, kinda whispering to you, like, can I tell you a secret?
Joe Diametti:Do you
Isaac Allen Burns:want to know something?
Joe Diametti:Sure.
Isaac Allen Burns:I they call me mayor because it is my first name. I'm not actually a mayor. What? Yes. I am just the
Joe Diametti:You have the key to the city.
Isaac Allen Burns:I do. I'm a vassal for Viscount Balthazar. He has assigned me to be the one who rules this. I'm not even a mayor. The elections are all false.
Isaac Allen Burns:The elections, they don't happen. They it means they text them Oh, god.
Joe Diametti:Every time. I don't want any It's to the viscount.
Isaac Allen Burns:It's up to the viscount to decide who gets to be his mayor. Who? It's me. The viscount, Balthazar.
Joe Diametti:He used to be
Isaac Allen Burns:Earl Earl Edgar Balthazar, but then after the war, he became a Viscount. He's very sensitive about it.
Joe Diametti:Okay. Oh,
Isaac Allen Burns:this is why my wife left me. I cannot handle these big emotions. I've been so lonely. You don't know what it is like to be with someone for a hundred years and says they leave you because you cannot handle these big emotions.
Joe Diametti:Oh, god.
Isaac Allen Burns:Can I tell you something?
Joe Diametti:Well, I mean, why stop now?
Isaac Allen Burns:I am afraid of the dark. What? I'm so afraid of the dark.
Joe Diametti:I need
Isaac Allen Burns:I light a candle every night because I am scared.
Joe Diametti:You sleep with a candle?
Isaac Allen Burns:I do. Well, not with the candles. The candles on the bed stand.
Joe Diametti:No. I know. That's cute. That's okay. Dark can be scary.
Isaac Allen Burns:The dark is so scary. Yeah. You never know when something will pop out at you. When I was a child, a dog attacked me.
Joe Diametti:When I
Isaac Allen Burns:was a young boy, I was in this town. I was just a young boy.
Joe Diametti:Do I see anyone else around? You know,
Isaac Allen Burns:it is late at night. Most people are asleep. Yeah. And you see that it's basically you, him, and then there's, like, a dude walking, kinda stumbling homes, and he kinda just sees it to you and, like, puts a hand up and waves. Yes, sir.
Isaac Allen Burns:Yes. Hey. Who's who's who's who's you? What's your name?
Joe Diametti:Yes. What'd do, Aaron? I think that mayor raisins definitely has some talking that he needs to he needs some things and other things he needs to get off his chest. And I, you know, I think that, you know, you should you should
Isaac Allen Burns:talk
Isaac Allen Burns:about What's his chest? Is he guys on the chest?
Joe Diametti:Well, I think that's for you two to work out, really. I think you guys are gonna make an excellent pair.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, okay. You see that the mayor has sort of just been leaning really heavily on you.
Joe Diametti:Yeah.
Isaac Allen Burns:And just sort of saying, like he's saying just more things you don't wanna hear. Right. And then you see you kind of push him. He's like, eyes are closed. He's like, just like crying.
Isaac Allen Burns:He's like, tanning so much.
Joe Diametti:I'm just gonna like do that thing where like I like slide under his, you know, I drop my shoulder under his arm and then I kinda just, like, as I put his arm on the drunk guy's arm and kinda just slip away is the is the plan. Do I need to roll for that?
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. Give me a finesse roll.
Joe Diametti:Okay. My finesse is plus two. I'm not even worried about it.
Isaac Allen Burns:I'm not I'm not even worried for you. Can't be so good at this.
Joe Diametti:Hell, yeah. That is a 21 with
Isaac Allen Burns:You can do it. With fear? Oh, you you yeah. You slip under and as you put him on the other guy, you don't even realize it's not you. You see the mayor says, Gabby, I really appreciate you running security.
Isaac Allen Burns:He says to the drunk guy, and the drunk guy is like, yeah, you can call me whatever you want. And you say, they they both stumble away and copy as you look down, you know, because you rolled fear.
Joe Diametti:No. No. You look?
Isaac Allen Burns:No. There's there's a little bit of the connoisseurs on your jacket. No. Just on, like, the corner.
Joe Diametti:God. And I like to I whip it off as fast as I can. And I I is are we close to the bar? Where are we?
Isaac Allen Burns:You know, you were close to Town Hall. We'll say, yeah, you're we're actually not close to the aphid tavern. You're actually close to the honeysuckle in.
Joe Diametti:Okay. I run into the honeysuckle in with the jacket over my arms as if I'm holding a body. And I yell emergency. I need I need some club soda. Stop.
Joe Diametti:Please. Well, there's not much time.
Isaac Allen Burns:You bust on in and you see that you're in an inn, which looks so much it almost looks exactly like the Aphid Tavern, except it's bunch of old people in here. In the corner is Farmer Hitchens who waves at you as he comes.
Joe Diametti:Please. And I, like, run up to the bartender. I need club soda stat.
Isaac Allen Burns:She's a bartender. She's just like older fawn, which is like a big handlebar mustache. And he says, you need club soda.
Joe Diametti:I need I need club soda.
Isaac Allen Burns:You a club soda.
Joe Diametti:You just
Isaac Allen Burns:wait here, son.
Joe Diametti:Thank you, sir.
Isaac Allen Burns:He he backflips into the back kitchen, and then you see he comes out through you know, like, in those kitchens when there's, like, a little window that they can, like, put food over. He, like, leaps through that, which is a big club soda and, like, hands it to
Joe Diametti:you. Yes. I I
Isaac Allen Burns:It's not too late, son.
Joe Diametti:I know. I know. I I start dabbing dabbing the spot that I found with the You start
Isaac Allen Burns:dabbing the spot. And Kapi suddenly, you get chills up your spine. Like something horrific has just happened. You kinda look around. You see the people are kinda blinking, like, kinda looking at each other, and then they kinda shrug.
Isaac Allen Burns:You know? It's weird. Ah, it's almost over, like, run over my grave or something. But, Kathy, in the back of your mind, some of those visions start kinda come back to view, and you swear for a split second, you have this vision of just a big green light shooting into the sky in the middle of the forest.
Joe Diametti:Well, that's probably best not to think about. Come on, jacket. Please.
Isaac Allen Burns:You dab the jacket, and you get the clothes on on the jacket.
Joe Diametti:Oh, thank god. Do I get the stain out? You do. Oh, thank god.
Isaac Allen Burns:It was so fresh. It was so fresh.
Annie Hawthorne:That's
Joe Diametti:good. And I I put the jacket back on.
Isaac Allen Burns:You put the jacket back on a little wet from the club soda. And you see that Farmer Hitchens gives you a thumbs up for a good job.
Joe Diametti:I give Farmer Hitchens a thumbs up.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, he's smiling real big.
Joe Diametti:Yeah. He walks over.
Isaac Allen Burns:Hey there, Kathy. Good to I was just thinking about you the other day.
Joe Diametti:Yeah. Still remember me. That's good.
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. You can't help me with my turnip problem.
Joe Diametti:Yeah. We well, we tried. Hopefully, of them were salvageable.
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. You know, they only got a couple, thankfully. So, you know, and then I actually checked in the shed again.
Joe Diametti:There were
Isaac Allen Burns:a couple in there too. So
Joe Diametti:Oh, in the shed. Yep. You don't say.
Isaac Allen Burns:I know. I never put them in the shed, but sometimes they just kinda walk in there, I think.
Joe Diametti:Alright. Let me ask you something. Yeah. I should. Anything you've been here for a while.
Joe Diametti:Right?
Isaac Allen Burns:I've been here about two hundred years or so.
Isaac Allen Burns:You know? I was I wasn't born here. I actually moved in. So, you know, I Okay. Yeah.
Isaac Allen Burns:Feel like I've
Isaac Allen Burns:been here all my life, but I've been here probably really more like a hundred and seventy five year because I came when
Isaac Allen Burns:I was just a wee child at 20 Have you noticed
Joe Diametti:anything weird going on in the last two weeks? Say,
Isaac Allen Burns:oh, well, you know, we've been gearing up for the festival. So, you know, you know, it's a it was a it was a smaller crop this season. Typically, my turnips,
Isaac Allen Burns:you know, my prize winning turnips, you know, the big ones because every every farmer every farmer wants to
Isaac Allen Burns:bring their biggest and best to the festival.
Joe Diametti:Kapi and Joe are regretting. It
Isaac Allen Burns:was a bit smaller this year,
Isaac Allen Burns:you know? Well, it's tougher because, you
Isaac Allen Burns:know, sometimes, you know, the monsters, when they get bad,
Isaac Allen Burns:you know, the bugs get bad. So you got the old the old geek squad up in the capital started talking about the new Novocite and all. And, you know, they keep telling me that eventually it's gonna come into farm equipment and revolutionize my farm, but I still believe in the old ways with the rakes and the hose and the digging with your hands and
Joe Diametti:the Yeah.
Isaac Allen Burns:What was your question? I was like,
Joe Diametti:you No. My question is
Rowan Collins:Mhmm.
Joe Diametti:Hey. You wouldn't be thinking about anything nefarious for the Apple Festival, would you? Because you like you said, things are changing. Right? Maybe you guys are trying to throw a Hail Mary pass before you lie in your graves.
Isaac Allen Burns:Woah. He kinda looks around real shady like and says, now listen. Alright. I okay. I see what this is.
Isaac Allen Burns:Cyrus sent you to talk to us about listen. We do it every year. It's always really fun. Okay? Just because us old people wanna have a little fun, play a little prank on one of us.
Isaac Allen Burns:It doesn't mean that it's gonna be nefarious, he said. Look. He puts a hand on your shoulder and says, Gabby, look. Okay. Every so often, every so often you put a turnip.
Isaac Allen Burns:Okay. You put a turnip into someone's water pipes so that it backs up so that when they go and try and open it, it shoots out on them and gets them all wet. Alright? It's a harmless prank. Alright?
Isaac Allen Burns:Listen, sir. I understand. He puts he puts another hand on your shoulder. He's got two hands on his shoulder, and he says, Nacab, I understand you really care about Cyrus a lot. So he probably sent you out here because he's just so
Joe Diametti:No. I'm not talking about Cyrus, Farmer Hitchens.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, well, then why ask why are you asking about our little old people
Isaac Allen Burns:prank that we do for each fans Apple Festival?
Joe Diametti:I wasn't. I was asking if you were planning anything bad for the Apple.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, no. No. Kapi.
Isaac Allen Burns:Kapi. Listen. The Apple he puts a foot on your knee and says, the Apple Festival is one of the most sacred times of this of the year in this town. Alright? Nobody's doing nothing on the Applefest
Isaac Allen Burns:other than having a good
Joe Diametti:time. Farmer Hitchens, and I like I I I pull each arm and foot off of me and stand I'll see you in a few months when you lose your turnips again, and I just I head out. I need to find my friends.
Isaac Allen Burns:Oh, okay. Well, see you later. If you see Cyrus, tell him he's still
Joe Diametti:I said coworkers. I just yell at him for no reason.
Isaac Allen Burns:He he blinks and you step out. And sure enough, as you step out, you look down the street, which is canonically down the street from the town hall, and you see Pistachio and Crank leaving the town hall. How do they look right now? How do the two of y'all look?
Annie Hawthorne:It takes a while to get up the stairs.
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. It does.
Annie Hawthorne:I think, like, halfway up. Crank has been, like, slowly walking behind Pistachio, like, being anxious. And it's just, like, Pistachio, are you mad at me?
Rowan Collins:Pistachio, first off, looks very haggard because that hurt. And I think also is, like, again, breaking out. And I think because past 10 pistachio doesn't have, like, quite control, there's, like, almost, like, little signs of, like, their magic kinda going a little ape shit. So there's, like, vines kind of curling around their hands and face and of touching all of them and they're freaking out that they're a pumpkin and all of this stuff. And so I think when Crank finally speaks, they're like, what?
Rowan Collins:No. I'm not mad at I'm not mad at you. Why would you why would you think that, Crank?
Annie Hawthorne:Well, you looked upset down there. I thought maybe I did something wrong.
Rowan Collins:No. No, Craig. You didn't do anything wrong. I just I'm made of flesh, and he was made of flesh. And it's kind of jarring watching something made of flesh squish like a rotten rotten pumpkin.
Rowan Collins:You know? Like, do you see a lot of things made out of metal? Like, you if they crushed that thing really quickly and then that thing no longer was existing, would that freak you out a little bit?
Annie Hawthorne:Never had that experience, but it's it's hard to crush metal.
Rowan Collins:I thought it was hard to crush skulls too. So I'm not mad at you. You saved us. I'm really grateful. But that was really gross.
Rowan Collins:And I'm freaking out just a little bit. That was that was Scarlet's great grandparent. And he was really old and drained and it looked like the magic would, like, do weird stuff and the vines around their faces kinda, like, really going wild, like, almost in a in response to this. And they're like like, they kept an old, old man down there for who knows how long. The mayor had to have known that.
Rowan Collins:Right?
Annie Hawthorne:Somebody had to know that.
Rowan Collins:And there and he was emaciated and just looked like he had need it. And we tried to feed him a tur a turnover and it turned to ash in his mouth. And then he was asking about a replacement and then like, what if I was the replacement and I had to be chained down there and for he didn't even know what year it was. He's been down there for two hundred plus years. He didn't even know about the Apple Festival.
Annie Hawthorne:I'm just gonna put my hand on Pistachio's shoulder, like, kneel down on, like, the step below them. Like, I would never let you become a replacement.
Rowan Collins:And then I think Pistachio, just because of the stress and the energy, just, like, falls into crank and just starts crying and sobbing and just, like, I'm so scared. Like, I just
Annie Hawthorne:It'll be okay. And I'm just gonna pick up pistachio and carry them out. And I think that's how Kapi finds us. It's just crank just carrying pistachio through the town square.
Joe Diametti:I love that. That's so beautiful. Kapi sees them and goes, guys, he's like, they're a bit far away. He's walking toward him. Guys, I just had the scariest thing happen to me.
Joe Diametti:My jacket almost was oh. Hey, kid. What's
Annie Hawthorne:Pistachio's having a hard time.
Joe Diametti:Hey, Pistachio.
Isaac Allen Burns:Greg, do you have the staff?
Isaac Allen Burns:I have the staff. Woah.
Joe Diametti:That's Oh, yeah.
Annie Hawthorne:We found the staff, but I I sort of killed someone for it.
Joe Diametti:You killed someone for
Rowan Collins:it? Happy, we gotta get out of here. We'll tell you. Blur it as we go along with
Annie Hawthorne:What? I don't think we need to get pistachio home.
Rowan Collins:I don't think we need to go home. We have that. We gotta we can't we can't bring that to my house. I'm not bringing that to my house.
Annie Hawthorne:Where should we take it?
Rowan Collins:We gotta go back to the the the dais. Right?
Annie Hawthorne:Now it's like 11PM. Where else are we gonna put it?
Joe Diametti:Yeah. We should okay. Everyone just and Kapi's like rubbing his temples. Okay. Hang on.
Joe Diametti:Everyone just stay calm. This is all part of standard procedure.
Rowan Collins:Kapi, a man got his head crushed like a pumpkin. How is that part of standard procedure? Kid.
Isaac Allen Burns:Yeah. Kid.
Annie Hawthorne:I may have lost it a little down there.
Joe Diametti:Kid. Hey.
Rowan Collins:And they're, like, tearing up, and they just, like, reach for Kapi and just, like, Kapi, tell me it's killing me.
Joe Diametti:Hey. Oh, kid. And he kneels down. Okay. You saw someone's head get crushed.
Joe Diametti:Okay. Were they trying to inflict harm?
Rowan Collins:Yes. Uh-huh.
Joe Diametti:Were they going to inflict harm on you?
Rowan Collins:Me.
Joe Diametti:Crank Crank saved you. Okay. Can I ask you a question?
Rowan Collins:Mhmm. If
Joe Diametti:Crank was in danger and you could squish someone's head, would you squish their head?
Rowan Collins:It probably wouldn't be my first option but it was effective, I must admit. Okay.
Isaac Allen Burns:Sometimes
Joe Diametti:we gotta make tough choices as adventurers, especially if we're gonna get our recommendation and take on bigger challenges. Are you cut out for this?
Rowan Collins:I don't know. I I just wanna I just wanted to help people. I wanted to make them feel better. And I just like a pumpkin. It can't be Like a rotted pumpkin.
Rowan Collins:I didn't know the inside of her head was pink.
Joe Diametti:Yeah. I I look around and I look back at Crank
Isaac Allen Burns:Mhmm.
Joe Diametti:Real quick. And I, like, try to, like, position myself so that Crank can't see me. And I'm just, I would crush a head like a pumpkin for you, Pistachio. Okay? And I I give you a little hug.
Joe Diametti:Just a little.
Rowan Collins:I think Pistachio, between Crank being there and Kapi being there, now they're crying for a completely different reason, which is that they feel loved. And they just, like, latch on to Kapi, but, like, angle their head so that they're not crying on
Joe Diametti:Yeah. Easy on the
Rowan Collins:jacket. Easy on
Isaac Allen Burns:the jacket.
Rowan Collins:And they're like, they're just, like, shivering for, like, a good second.
Joe Diametti:Long day. Hey. Whose head got crushed?
Annie Hawthorne:It's a long story, I think. You remember this guy and I just turn on the projector lenses?
Rowan Collins:It was
Joe Diametti:Scarlet's great great grandfather?
Annie Hawthorne:Yeah. He didn't look great. He definitely looked like he was about a thousand years old.
Rowan Collins:They had him chained.
Joe Diametti:Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Joe Diametti:Kapi gets up and he starts pacing. You Scarlet?
Annie Hawthorne:Perhaps we should do this somewhere else.
Rowan Collins:We need to get out of the middle of town square, Kapi. I will tell you everything I promise, but we can't do it here. They could be listening.
Isaac Allen Burns:Speaking of listening, thank you for listening to this episode of DodoBorne. Tune in next time as our heroes figure out what to do next. Somber Squawk on three. One, two, three. Hey.
Isaac Allen Burns:It's a podcast. Don't waste this shit. Cut this out. Yeah. Give me the 20.
Isaac Allen Burns:Cut this out. I have my dice. I swear I'm a good deal.
Rowan Collins:Don't cut that. Don't cut that.
